Most of the women I work with don’t arrive in therapy asking whether they should cut ties with their narcissistic mother. They usually come for help due to the effects of childhood trauma — anxiety, shame, low confidence, difficulties in relationships. But as we work together, this question often comes up. Usually because these mothers were narcissistic, toxic, difficult, or very controlling. At some point, many of my clients begin to wonder whether keeping in touch with their mum is actually helping them, or if it might be doing more harm than good.
It’s not a question that is easy to ask. Often, by the time this comes up, there have been years of trying — trying to explain, to repair, to appease, to set boundaries — and still the same old patterns repeat.
For daughters of narcissistic mothers, the dilemma of whether to maintain contact or walk away can feel overwhelming. The heart longs for a loving mother, while the lived reality keeps re-opening old wounds.
So, how can you hold this question with compassion for yourself, rather than feeling pushed towards a single “right” answer?
Growing up with a narcissistic mother
Many women who come to therapy describe childhoods that looked ordinary, even enviable, from the outside, but felt lonely or confusing on the inside.
Perhaps mum was admired by others, but at home she was critical, dismissive, or controlling. Perhaps love seemed conditional — praise when you excelled, silence or withdrawal when you didn’t. Over time, this affects a daughter’s sense of self.
Research backs this up. A 2023 study in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that mothers with higher narcissistic traits were more likely to show rejecting or low-acceptance parenting, which in turn was linked to poorer emotional outcomes in children. In therapy, clients often summarise this in one sentence: “It feels like she never really saw me.”
By adulthood, many daughters find themselves in a painful situation. On the one hand, they long for the mother they never really had. On the other, staying close often means being taken back into guilt, criticism, or manipulation.
Then you ask yourself, what should I do?
There is no single answer, but recent studies offer some important clues.
- Toxic contact can be harmful. A large U.S. survey published in the Journal of Marriage and Family (2024) showed that adult children who remained in “socially negative” ties with parents — relationships full of conflict or hostility — had poorer health than those who were estranged. In fact, estranged children did no worse in terms of wellbeing than those in positive ties.
- Estrangement brings mixed emotions. Other research highlights that going “no contact” can bring relief, peace, and safety, but also grief and guilt. Many daughters describe both at once. A 2023 study found that scapegoating — when a child is blamed repeatedly for family problems — is a pathway from parental narcissism to anxiety and depression in adulthood. For some, ending contact is the only way to interrupt that cycle.
- For mothers, estrangement is hard. Studies consistently find that estranged parents, especially mothers, report lower wellbeing and more sadness. This does not mean you should sacrifice yourself to preserve their comfort, but it helps explain why the choice feels so heavy: there are costs on both sides.
Taken together, research suggests that staying in ongoing toxic contact is often more damaging than stepping away. But the best choice for you depends on your safety, your resilience, and your support network.
Why the decision feels so hard
Part of what makes this decision so painful is the tension between reality and hope.
A part of you may know, deep down, that your mother will never change. Yet another part still hopes: Maybe if I prove myself. Maybe if I say it differently. Maybe when she gets older…
Hope is deeply human. Letting it go can feel like grieving the mother you never had as much as letting go of the relationship itself. Therapy often becomes the place where women can finally allow that grief to exist and be witnessed.
What tends to help
Every story is unique, but some themes come up often with the women I work with:
- Boundaries as a test. Some start by setting firm boundaries. Sometimes this changes things; more often, it reveals just how unwilling the mother is to change. Boundaries, in that sense, are less about fixing the relationship and more about showing you what’s possible.
- Support elsewhere. Women who cope best with distance — whether low-contact or no-contact — usually have safe, supportive relationships elsewhere. Friends, partners, communities, and therapy itself can ease the loneliness.
- Allowing grief. There is grief whether you stay or go. Grief for the childhood you didn’t get, for the family you wish you had, for the dream of a loving mother. Making room for that sadness is part of healing.
- Recognising cycles. Many daughters move in and out of contact, sometimes cutting ties, sometimes returning briefly, before finding a stable position that feels sustainable. This is part of the process of finding what distance protects you best.
A different way to frame the question
Instead of asking, “Should I cut ties with my mother?”, it may help to ask: “What level of contact allows me to feel most at peace, with the least harm?”
For some, that answer will be no contact. For others, it might be carefully managed low-contact: short visits, occasional phone calls, or only written communication. What matters is not pleasing society, extended family, or even your therapist — but protecting your own wellbeing.
As a therapist, I never tell clients what they “should” do. That would simply repeat the pattern of someone else taking away their choice. Instead, therapy becomes a safe place to explore what you’ve tried, what hasn’t worked, and what each option might mean for you.
Sometimes the process leads to no-contact. Sometimes it leads to limited contact that feels tolerable. Always, it’s about strengthening your ability to choose freely.
Key Takeaway
If you’re asking yourself this question, know that you are not weak for wanting to stay, and you are not cruel for wanting to leave. You are a daughter dealing with one of the hardest relational choices a person can face.
Research tells us that staying in toxic contact often harms wellbeing, while distance can create space for healing — but how you find that distance, and when, is entirely yours to decide.
Most of all, remember this: Your worth does not depend on whether your mother ever truly sees you. It never did.
References & Further Reading
- Boele, S., Sels, L., & van der Kaap-Deeder, J. (2023). Maternal narcissism, perceived child difficulty, and child adjustment: A dyadic perspective. Journal of Child and Family Studies.
- Petrican, R., & Nelemans, S. (2023). Parental narcissism, scapegoating, and the emotional wellbeing of emerging adults. Personality and Individual Differences.
- Ziccardi, E., & Gagliardi, C. (2025). Parenting styles and narcissism: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Current Psychology.
- Pillemer, K., & Gilligan, M. (2024). Adult child–parent estrangement and health outcomes: Evidence from a U.S. national sample. Journal of Marriage and Family.
- Gilligan, M., Suitor, J., & Pillemer, K. (2024). The costs of estrangement for older parents. The Gerontologist.
- Agllias, K. (2017). Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective. Routledge.
- Blake, L. (2021). Parent–child estrangement in adulthood: A review and discussion. Journal of Family Theory & Review.
