As a psychotherapist, I’ve had the honour of accompanying many individuals on their healing journeys. A common misunderstanding in psychotherapy is the belief that healing means fixing what is broken. Many clients come to psychotherapy feeling fundamentally flawed, searching for a diagnosis or a label to explain their pain. But what if healing isn’t about identifying what’s wrong with us? What if it’s about gently unearthing the parts of ourselves that we’ve deeply buried? What if the aim isn’t to fix ourselves but to discover ourselves? This perspective invites us on a journey within—a journey marked by kindness, curiosity, and self-compassion.
The Myth of the use of Psychotherapy for “Fixing“
The notion that we need fixing arises from a deep-rooted cultural narrative that equates mental health with pathology. We are taught to identify problems, diagnose disorders, and implement treatments. While this medical model has its place, it often overlooks the complexity of human experience. Not everything that hurts requires a label; not every wound needs a cure. Healing, in this sense, is not about eliminating symptoms but understanding their origins and meanings.
When we focus solely on fixing, we inadvertently reinforce the idea that we are inadequate or defective. This can lead to a cycle of self-criticism and shame. Instead of seeing ourselves as a mosaic of experiences, we start to view our emotional struggles as evidence of our shortcomings. This perspective can be profoundly disempowering and counterproductive in therapy.
The Gentle Self-Discovery
Imagine, instead, that healing is a process of gentle excavation. This metaphor suggests a careful, patient uncovering of the layers within us. It’s about bringing to light the parts of ourselves that we’ve hidden away, often for good reasons. These might be painful memories, unprocessed emotions, or even positive aspects of our identity that we’ve suppressed due to fear or shame.
This process is akin to archaeology. An archaeologist doesn’t attack the ground with a shovel, hoping to extract artefacts quickly. Instead, they use delicate tools, sifting through the soil with patience and precision. They approach their task with respect for what they might find, understanding that each discovery is a valuable piece of a larger puzzle.
In the same way, in psychotherapy sessions, when we approach our inner world with gentleness and curiosity, we create a safe space for self-discovery. We allow ourselves to explore our experiences without judgement, recognising that every part of us has a story to tell. This approach fosters a sense of self-acceptance and compassion, which are essential for genuine healing in psychotherapy.
The Power of Curiosity in Therapy
Curiosity is a powerful antidote to judgement. When we are curious, we are open, inquisitive, and willing to learn. We don’t rush to conclusions or impose rigid interpretations on our experiences. Instead, we ask questions and listen deeply to the answers that emerge.
In therapy, cultivating curiosity can transform the way we relate to ourselves. Rather than labelling our emotions as good or bad, we can ask, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?” Instead of viewing our past traumas as burdens to be eradicated, we can explore how they have shaped us and what wisdom they might hold.
Curiosity also encourages us to embrace the complexity of our inner world. We are not one-dimensional beings; we contain multitudes. Our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours are influenced by a myriad of factors, including our upbringing, culture, relationships, and personal experiences. By approaching ourselves with curiosity, we acknowledge this complexity and honour the richness of our humanity.
Being Kind to Yourself
At the heart of this approach is kindness. Kindness towards ourselves means treating ourselves with the same compassion and understanding that we would offer to a loved one. It involves recognising our intrinsic worth and acknowledging that we are doing the best we can with the resources we have.
Kindness also means being patient with ourselves. Healing is not a linear process; it’s a journey with many twists and turns. There will be setbacks and moments of doubt, but these do not diminish our progress. When we approach ourselves with kindness, we give ourselves permission to be imperfect and to grow at our own pace.
In therapy, we often talk about self-care, but self-care is more than just bubble baths and spa days. It’s about creating a relationship with ourselves that is grounded in respect, compassion, and love. It’s about listening to our needs, honouring our boundaries, and nurturing our well-being. When we prioritise kindness, we create a foundation for sustainable healing.
Embracing the Psychotherapeutic Journey
Ultimately, the journey of healing is a journey of self-discovery. It’s about peeling back the layers of our identity and uncovering the truth of who we are. It’s about embracing our wholeness, with all its imperfections and contradictions. This journey requires courage, but it also offers profound rewards.
By shifting our focus from fixing to discovering, we open ourselves up to new possibilities. We begin to see our struggles not as signs of failure but as opportunities for growth. We learn to appreciate the resilience and strength that have carried us through difficult times. We come to understand that healing is not a destination but an ongoing process of becoming.
As a psychotherapist, my role is to support and guide this process. I offer a safe and compassionate space where my clients can explore their inner world without fear of judgement. I encourage them to be curious, to ask questions, and to listen deeply to their own wisdom. And I remind them that they are not broken but whole, and that their journey is one of discovery and transformation.
In the end, healing is not about erasing our wounds but about integrating them into the tapestry of our lives. It’s about finding meaning in our experiences and reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we’ve lost. It’s about living authentically and fully, with kindness and curiosity as our guiding lights.
Are you ready to start your psychotherapy journey? Schedule a session today and begin exploring your inner world with kindness and curiosity. Contact me to learn more.
Further Reading
Jennifer M. Gómez M.S., Jenn K. Lewis M.S., Laura K. Noll M.S., Alec M. Smidt M.S. & Pamela J. Birrell Ph.D. (2015): Shifting the Focus: Non-Pathologizing Approaches to Healing from Betrayal Trauma through an Emphasis on Relational Care, Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, DOI: 10.1080/15299732.2016.1103104
Kelly, M. E. (2019, August). A doctoral student’s perspective on becoming an evidence-based practitioner. [Web article]. Retrieved from https://societyforpsychotherapy.org/a-doctoral-students-perspective-on-becoming-an-evidence-based-practitioner
Peckham H. Introducing the Neuroplastic Narrative: a non-pathologizing biological foundation for trauma-informed and adverse childhood experience aware approaches. Front Psychiatry. 2023 May 22;14:1103718. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1103718. PMID: 37283710; PMCID: PMC10239852.
